"The Magazine That Serves A Twofold Purpose"


APRIL ?, 2001 BC  


Y2K Compliant     






EDITORIAL

There is some question on the validity of a recent news report in the Discussion Group.
The photo in question is not, I repeat, Not our main corporate office .

It is, or should I say was, our ski lodge in Vail, Colorado.

[ "The gang of disgruntled webtv humorists who were seen in the area"], were in fact, members of the Out House staff. They were disgruntled, because this really screwed up our ski trip.

[ "The gang was apparently led by an angry man wearing a Wal-Mart ball cap known only as "O" "].

The guy in the Wall-Mart cap was actually the bus driver and appeared angry, because he only received a thirty five cent tip for the 100 mile trip from Denver.

[ "The person seen running from the flaming facility"],(disguised as yours truly), is actually Osgood T.(Zippo) Ostarve, a well known local arsonist.

If you see this character,(hanging around Wall-Mart Stores), do not approach him wearing anything flammable.

Out House Magazine forensic analyst,Dr. Laura Wigittoo,(who really knows about them doctored pictures) examined the photo and discovered the true identity of the arsonist.
Photo showing "zippo" without his disguise can be seen on Page 2.
(Photo courtesy of Winosaur Photomat and Billiards Parlor)

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OUT HOUSE MAGAZINE EXPANDS CAPABILITIES


Jan Witchotaylor, Director of Finance, announces the acquisition of a state of the art, Mobile Communications System.
The new unit was purchased with insurance funds recovered, due to the recent fire loss that occured at our Vail Ski Lodge.
In honor of our cozy little ski lodge, the new Mobile unit will be christened, "The Privy Prying Phoenix"

Ceremony to be held at our Happy Valley Rest Camp in Downyonder, Arkansas.
You are cordially invited to attend for the small fee of $3800.14. This donation will serve a "two hole" purpose.
It will allow us to continue "upgrading", (whatever that is) our highly technical facilities. and also to enhance the Editor's 401K plan.

Entertainment will be provided by:
"Kara And The Kinky Kats"

Reservations may be made by contacting Mrs.Barbie Thirtysevenski at 1-800-ROTFL.
If you see us in your home town,drop by and say hello. We have received permission, by a company executive, (who wishes to remain anonymous), to set up our facility in local Wall-Mart parking lots.

A photograph of our new mobile unit can be found on
page 92.




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NEW INSECT SPECIES INFESTS LOUISIANA OKRA FIELDS

A new species of insect is causing very little damage to this seasons crop of okra.

B
Shown here is a photo of the new species.
Green Okra Clusterbug"
(galbinus cemexis okrus)

The new insect has been sighted throughout the South, with the densest population residing in fields adjacent to Bayou Pompideaux.

Louisiana okra is known locally for it's fine texture and the perfect ingredient for dat good enuf garontee
Cajun Gumbo,
There was, at first, concern about the culinary effect it might have on the taste buds.

Gaston Thibedeaux, Executive Chef, at Mama Mouton's Snack Bar and Exxon Gas Station, made this comment.
"Dem petit babette ce tres bon, when steamed wit de "mud bugs", or serv wit de boudin. Dey tast lak chikin, you know.and dere petit rouge tongs taste lak cayenne pepper.

Aaaa Eeeeeeeee!     Laissez les bon temps rouler

Photo showing infestation on page 18.




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EDITORIAL.....
Due to the financial difficulties recently experienced by OutHouse Magazine,
it has become necessary to sell advertisements to defray costs.
The management wishes to assure you only advertisements selling quality products
that will be beneficial to our subscribers will be accepted.
We can also state without reservation, the ads will be in good taste.





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Directions: Boil eight lbs of fresh okra for two hours and add to fifteen gallons of Odwalla Juice.Bring to a boil for twenty minutes and then simmer for one hour.(Caution:) Allow to cool before using.
This solution may be stored outside (prefered method) for up to ten weeks.
CAUTION: Keep tightly sealed to prevent Cluster Fly larvae infestation


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Ms Donna Walleye has this to say: I have been using this product for six months and it's beginning to show results. Now I have only a slight chartreuse blemish on my forehead. My friends still say...EEEYUUCK..when they see me, but it's beginning to work! (Eat your heart out, Jolly Green Giant)

Tom Browne (Noted Gossip Columnist), tells us his acne has completely cleared. He did admit that during the last week of treatments, he forgot to tightly seal the mixture. On his last day of treatment he commented: "Man, you haven't lived until you've had a full body massage by one billion cluster flies!".

Note: This method of treatment has not been approved by the FDA

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WEBTV USER ENTERED IN GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS



It has just been announced by Mr.G.Googleheimer, CEO, World Records Division, (and part time Bookie), of a new entry.
Mr. Vinnie Nodwalla set the record of staying the longest consecutive time on the internet, using his original Classic Unit.purchased sometime in 1996.
He has continuously remained on the net 23 hours a day
( How do you spell relief) since March 2, 1996.

This reporter had difficulty interwiewing Mr. Nowalla, until he hit upon the idea of conducting the interview, via E-Mail
It appears Mr. Nodwalla, has lost the ability to converse with live human beings. His most recent E-Mail to me was somewhat amazing. He wrote me that he has read every post and response in the NewsGroup since March,1997.
That comes to a total of 1,747,500 entries. Asked if he ever responds, he said, "who has time to respond, I might miss one of OSCARVES gems of wisdom if I take time to respond.
At this point, he refused to answer any more questions saying he was too busy.


SPECIAL BULLETIN:This reporter has just been informed that Mr. Nodwalla's sojurn has come to an end.
Last evening, Nodwallas's trusty old Classic blew a fuse and ceased to work. After unplugging the unit for five minutes and trying again, including new batteries, the trusted old servant failed to respond.
Mrs.Nodwalla then called 911. After surgically removing Mr. Nodwalla from his Lazy Boy, he was rushed to the emergency room. Dr. David Wiggs, Staff Neurologist (and part time disc jockey), stated "this is one of the worst cases of delerium tremens and acute withdrawal symptoms, I have ever witnessed". We have med evac'd the patient to The Silicon Valley Sanitarium where he will undergo rehabilitation.
Mrs. Nodwalla said "To heck with it, I'm going to DisneyWorld"....


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NEW FEATURE OF OUTHOUSE MAGAZINE


At the suggestion of former Macrosoft employee, CK Chris, (now an environmental engineer) we have implemented a positive addition to the magazine, To recycle pages, you will notice serrations positioned in stragetic locations throughout the magazine.

Not only will this addition "save the trees", it will also be more convenient for subscribers to utilize the second of the twofold purpose of this hastily designed periodical.

We have recently completed one week of intensive testing with random subscribers.
Marketing Analyst, Mr.Iom Saverio (Idyllwild, CA) stated the reactions of the subscribers indicate this new addition will be well received by the general public.

Only one adverse reaction was noted.
Ms. Pamela Gliderbabe ( Fulltime cat breeder and part time nurse). complained about one errant staple, that was accidently left attached to the paper.

A warning lable will be placed on the inside back cover advising subscribers to carefully remove all staples to alleviate any discomfort.This procedure will insure the second purpose of this twofold publication will be more user friendly.

Our Research And Developmet staff are now negotiating with the Downy Corporation to perfect a durable yet soft biodegradeble paper product that will be printer friendly and compatible with nontoxic inks.



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WEBTV NEWSGROUP GROUPY BEING SOUGHT IN FLORIDA EVERGLADES

This unreliable report just in from an unknown source. Miami Police have issued an APB for the person responsible for hang gliding in the buff over Miami Beach Saturday night.
An eyewitness, Ms. Kitty Gopappa, stated the glider made a large circle over the beach, and then headed West toward the Everglades.
Ms. Gopappa when questioned, replied the hang glider faintly resembled a friend of hers, that uses the alias...GliderBabe, a well known WebTv News Group Groupy.
In a somewhat humorous twist of irony, the glider happened to soar above an outdoor beach pavillion, just as the disc jockey was playing a Lawrence Welk rendition of
"Moon Over Miami"
Miami police Sgt. J Malone said a thorough investigation will take place immediately. If anyone confronts this suspect, do not attempt to apprehend,
just give her some Chigger Bite Ointment, 'cause if she landed in thet (sic) swamp, she's gonna be et (sic) up with them critters.

C


This photo was taken by
a startled tourist.
However, forensic scientist,
Dr. R. Jenkins
could not make a
positive identification.


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CLUSTER FLIES INVADE WEBTV CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS


Unreliable sources has contacted this reporter about the infestation of the dreaded cluster fly,in some areas of the corporate complex.
The largest concentration appeared to be in the moderators office and snackbar. Unfortunately, the flies were at their worse, during a farewell party for ck.

A professional entomologist, Dr. Bugsy Oscarve,(no relation to OSCARVE) was called in and ordered the immediate evacuation of the building.

Fortunately, the source of breeding was quickly discovered. It seem a previous moderator, "aw" ,had stashed two cases of Odwalla Juice in cv's seldom used file cabinet.The juice had fermented creating ideal breeding conditions.

Winosaur Exterminating Service was called in and sanitized the filing cabinet.




CLUSTER FLY



Actual size
approx. 3/8" long


GO HERE
FOR MATING CALL
OF THE
CLUSTER FLY


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SCAM ARTIST CAUGHT SELLING SPAM TO WEBTV USERS

Cybercops arrested Sam Sleizeburger, age 45, at his home last night, after a six month stakeout.

He was arraigned on twenty counts of unlawfully selling Spam to WebTV users, at bargain prices. Sleizeburger was released on $50,000 bail. Full story on Page Two.



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RESEARCHERS DISCOVER METHOD OF GETTING RID OF SPAM

Scientists at the University Of HTML have discovered a simple way of stopping Spam. Dr. S. Sherrifromaz, remarked on her findings; "Hot Dam, This oughta put a stop to thet (sic) no good Spam"

Full Story on Page Six



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NEW UPGRADE FOR WEBTV


NOW DIAL LONG DISTANCE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD FREE!!
CLICK ON NUMBER
1-888-DIALITUP


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OutHouse Magazine Opens Complaint Department


Due to a few minor complaints from WebTV Users, OutHouse Magazine now has a direct line to the corporate offices Complaint Office.

Complaints may be registered here.

Press button and take a number.




This Magazine Has Absolutely No Afilliation With WebTV


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