He gits me, Maurice Gatreux, to tell him bout Bayou Pompideux an de folk what live here.
Dats easy fo me cause I kno everting what go on in de Parish, I garontee
Here som of de suff he write.
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Photo showing infestation on page 18.
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Mr Gatreaux related this story to me about his
encounter.....
"Dis ol' cajun done seen de devil
dis morning, I garontee.
I brought myself outta
de
bed dis morning, before de sun com up and had me a
cup of hot chickory
cafe.
I say to myself, Maurice, you go down de bayou in yo
pirogue and cotch yourself some of dem good mud cats.
Mama Mouton need dem to make de gumbo.
'bout
dat time i dun hear a terrible racket out on de dock
an I sez, Maurice, you betta look from de window and
see wat dat is.
So I look from de window and almost
poo
poo!.
Mais!,
Dere
stood de tallest,greenest, meanest looking giant
cajun, I ever did seen.Him wus glowin dis green colur
what make de swamp lite up lak de day time.
I
know
he one mean cajun 'caus he be pickin he teeth wit a
gator tail and, mais!, it still had de live gator on
de udder end.
He had him udder hand full of my prize okra pods dat
I was using to feed dem petit red tong babettes,
(you city folk done call " Little Red Tongue Okra
ClusterBugs)", Dem petit red tong babettes tast jus
lak chikin, you know.
Dat big cajun done eat
up almos my whole patch.
Den I gots to
tinking So I sez, Maurice,
mebbe dem little red tong babettes is what cause dat
ugly ting to grow so big.
I know he skin done
look lak dat slimey green gumbo,
dats been cook too long.
I gets out dat kodak camera, I won at de Bingo Parlor
last year.
Him was fixin to hed back in de
swamp
and I gets me a pictue tru my window of dat
gros cajun
Den I gets outta my shack and brings myself down
here faster dan a chankachank on a Saty nite.Mais,
I'm tell you, I aint go back to Bayou
Pompideux, til dat ting is gone!
Here dat pitcure I done took."
At this point, Mr. Gatreux cut off the interview,
saying he had to go meet Henri Lebec to get hisself
anudder bottle of dat bon new walla wine ol' Henri
mak
las week .
Photo on page 21
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Mr Gatreaux related this story to me about his
latest encounter....
Now you not gonna believ dis,Mr.Reporter man, but
dere's anudder big ugly critter out on Bayou
Pompideux!.
Las Satty mornin', I brung myself out back to my
shed,
to gits me some of dat walla wine,dat mak you wanna
do de chankachank all nite long. I keeps it in de
shed cause dat stuff's too dangerous to keep in de
shack, you know.
I looks in de shed and Mais!, I almos poo poo.
I
sez, Maurice, som ting done broke in you shed and
drunk six bottles of dat walla wine, ol' Henri sell
you...
I bet dat no good Gaston Thibedeaux dun
slip
in here an stole my walla wine. Look at all dem empty
bottles on de floor.
Den, on Mondy nite, I hears a
big racket down in de shed.
Mais!, dis time I
almos poo poo fo sure.
I see de ugliest critter
running back in de swamp wit two mo bottles of my
walla wine. I garontee, it not ol' Gaston
Thibedaux,at all.
Dat ugly critter look lak a giant chickin,wit green
fedders an wit a long 'gator tail an a long nek wit a
hed lak a snappin' turtle.
It don hav no wings,
insted it hav arms lak a gator an hands wit big
claws.
Mais!, I tink if I see one more ting lak dat ugly
chikin or dat giant cajun,I see las month,
I
gonna move way up Nawth, mebbe as far as
Tennessee.
Mama Mouton started sellin' dat walla juice, and old
Henri Lebec
found out, dat if you stuffed dem okra poda and dem
petit red tong babettes, (you city folk done call
"Little Red Tongue Okra ClusterBugs)", in a barrel of
it, it mak de bes wine dis ol' cajun ever drink, I
garontee.
You know...when ol Henri sell me dat fust bottle of
walla wine las month...dats about de same time, I
begin to see all dem
critters on de bayou.
I know you not gonna believe me so las night, I
rigged up dat Kodak Camra, dat I won at de Bingo
Parlor, wit a trip wire lak I catch dem rabbits
wit.
When dat critter got in my shed to git my
walla wine, it hit dat wire and mais!, here dat
pitcur of de ugly ting.
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The Environmental Protection Agency has recently
completed a thorough investigation of the
wildlife mutations discovered in Bayou
Pompideux.
Dr. Roy Jenkins, Chief
Frogologist, after exhaustive research, indicated
serious
damage is possible to the Frog Leg Industry that
constitutes 38% of the Bayou Pompideux
economy.
An anonymous employee, identified as
Bouregard Grenouille
, told Dr. Jenkins he first noticed the
mutations, just after Henri Lebec started making
walla wine, a local libation, that is known for
it's strange side effects.
(Just ask Maurice
Gatreux).
Because of the EPA concerns, and the detrimental effect on the Frog Leg Industry, Pierre Pascal, Mayor of Bayou Pompideux Parish has implemented an ordinance to help control this problem. The ordinance prohibits the leaving of half empty bottles of walla wine in or near the waters of Bayou Pompideux, or any other area, where the frog population will have easy access to it.
Anyone caught disposing walla wine in these areas will be arrested and will be subject to a $9.38 fine and 78 days in jail.
See comparison photos
on page
17.
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During our conversation, I asked Maurice how his wife, Desiree, was getting along.
Upon hearing the question, he had a look on his face, that either portrayed remorse or relief.
I would describe it as a sarcastic grin, with a touch of a smile. It's hard to read Maurice's thoughts, when he is sober.
He then began his latest tale.....
" Well, Mr Reporter Man, I guess yo don no bout me spendin de las 78 days in de jail hous.
Dat no good sheriff, Bubba Broussard, dun caught me down on de bayou, gigging me som of dem big ol bull frogs, dat he say was out o seesun.
Now everbody know, dem frog legs tase good in any seesun.
He den brought me to ol judge Pierre Broussard.
Dat's de sheriffs poppa, you no.
He tel de judge bout me gigging dem frogs an den dat fool say Maurice, You was spillin dat walla wine in de bayou and dats aginst de law.
Now you no, I aint gonna spill no walla wine, dat stuff tu good to waste.
Well dat judge say Maurice, I not gonna fine you for giggin dem frogs,
bein yo nice enough tu giv dem frog legs to me an Bubba,
but you dun broke de Mayor's Ordenancy, spillin dat walla wine in de bayou. and I got's to fine yo $9.38 an put you in de jail house fo 78 days.
I say, judge, I aint never brok nuttin dat belong tu de mayor, except mebbe, de handle on dat ol grubbin hoe, he lone me las year.
But I no you don wanna hear all dis,Mr. Reporter Man, so I tells you bout my wife, Desiree.
Well it's som good news and som sad.
De good news, she dun up an run away wit a travelin Tabasco Salesman, whil I in de jail hous....
De sad news, dey dun tuk all my walla wine wit dem.
Ol Henri Lebec say he wont hav nun cooked up till nex Satty.
Dats why I not drunk rat now, I garontee.
My frend, Gaston Lebreaux, say he dun see Desiree las week, livin up in Shreveport an wurkin as a bar tender at Jaques Honky Tonk and Funeral Parlor.
Dats de place dat can gets you high or gets you low.
I don no how she wurk behin de bar, caus she so big, dey hav to move de bar out annuder six feet, so she can squeeze in dere.
I not to unset wit her leavin, cause dat woman wuz eatin me outta shack and shed. I garontee.
Dat big woman coud ate a hole gator tail, a half gallon of gumbo
and den finish off a whole pot o red beans an rice, includin five poun o possum sausage.
I not say she big, but when we got marry, her mama mak her weddin dress outta tu o dem army surplus parachute,
she buy at de army an navy suplus stow in Baton Rouge.
One good ting. I lak bout dat woman was she one dam fine jole blon an could dance de chankachank all nite long.
Only problem, she so big, when she dance de chankachank, her body wus still dancin five minute after de music stop.
Mais, I bet dat Tabasco Salesman is dun broke alreddy feedin dat big lady.
Now I dun tawk tu long, so I gotta go and hep ol Henri mak dat bon walla wine.
By de way, here de pictur I tuk o dat woman las year. with dat Kodak camra, I won at de bingo parlor. Truble wus, she tu big tu fit in de pictur.
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You see, Mr Reporter man, dat woman is so ugly, she can skin a possum by jus winkin at him and she so ugly dat she walk under a tree an de leaves fall off, I garontee.
Tre year ago, when dat big tornado dun hed tord Baton Rouge, well, she run out in de yard stared at dat twister, an I garontee, dat tornado bak off an hed tord Houston.
Las Tursday, I sez, Mama-in-Law, I tink I get in my pirogue an bring mysef down de bayou. I gonna ketch me a big ol fat gator, an den we mak us som of dat gumbo an fry up som o dat gator tail.
Aaaaaa Eeeee, we gonna has us a feast, I garontee.
Mama-in-Law den sez, Maurice, honey, you don need to go to all dat trubble fo me.
I go down behin yo shed and gets you a gator, yo jus watch me.
Lak I say befo, I scared o dat ugly woman, so I sez, yes maam, you do dat.
Well she brings hersef down behin de shed, so I grabs dat Kodak Camra, dat I won at de bingo parlor, so I kin gets me a pitcur of dis.
I glad I tuk dat camra, cause I no you tink I make dis up, bout her bein so ugly. She sneke down by dat shed and Mais!. deres as big a gator, dan I see in a long time, layin dere on de bank.
Well, Mr Reporter Man, she plant dem big feet o hers on de groun, yanks dat tow sak off her hed an stares dat gator rat in de eyes.
Dat gator start to tremble an shak an moan an groan an den dat big ol gator jus giv up an flop on his bak an he ded as a possum on de hiway.
Now I tuk dis picure wit dat colur fim, but dat woman so ugly she melt de culur rat out and it come out blak an white. See fo yosef dat I tell yo de trut.
Here dat picure
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Mr. Reporter Man, I gonna tell yo bout dem two dum
twin cuzzins I got.
Dey names be Gaston and Henri Boudreux.
Dey
frum my mamas side o de fambly, you know. and dey
dum as a possum tryin tu cross de hiway...
Won o dese days, de gonna en up in de jail house,
I garontee.
Gaston done told me bout dem goin
up tu Beaux Bridge las Satty nite for de faisdodo
at Mullates danc hall.Ol Henri Lebec dun sold
dem tre bottles o dat walla wine an you know whut
dat stuff can do tu yo brain.
I don tink dey
hav much brain to mess up enyway, you know.
On de way bac to Bayou Pompideux, dey dun see dis
pig walkin down de hiway, lak he wus goin sum
place.
Gaston say, Henri, we gonna giv dat pig
a lif an brought him down tu Bayou Pompideux wif
us an invite him tu a barbecue, I garontee.
Now Henri gotta little mo sense dan his brudder,
so he say, Gaston you fool,dat pig belong to
sumbody roun here an dey put yo in de jail hous
when you steal dat pig.
Gaston say, now
Henri, I dun mak up my mind an can tast dem ribs
awreddy.Mais oui!
So dey sets dat pig tween dem on de fron seat o
de pickup an broughts dem self tu Bayou
Pompideux.
Dat Gaston wuz goin licky de split
down dat hiway an sho nuff, dem hiway patrolsmen
dun say, Mais, look at dem fools speedin dere. We
gonna gets dem, I garontee.
Henri dun look in de mirror an see dem blue lites a
flashin an say, Gaston, yo dam fool, now we gonna
spend de nite in de jailhous fo sure.
Now Gaston say, hush up, brudder, an puts yo cote
round dat pig an yo ball cap on dat pigs hed an be
polite to dem policemens when dey stop us.
Won o dem policemans walk up tp Gastons windo and
sez, whuts yo name boy? I Gaston Boudreux, sir, frum Bayou Pompideux and dis are my two brudders.
So
de policemans rite down Gaston Boudreux.
He look
across de fron seat and sez, you over dere, whuts yo
name boy? I Henri Boudreux, sir. De policemans rite
down, Henri Boudreux.
Den de policemans say, you in de middle, whuts yo
name boy? Now Gaston poke dat pig reel good in de
ribs an dat pig say "OINK". de Policemans rite down
Oink Boudreux
Den de policemans sez, yo boys
gets yo butts on down to Bayou Pompideux an don be
speedin tru here no mo.
Ol Gaston sez yessir, Mr. Policemans, I do dat rat now.
Dat policemans walk back to his car an tells his
podna, Now, I seen sum ugly cajuns befo, but Mais,
dat Oink Boudreaux, he gotta be de uglist cajun I
ever did seen, I garontee.......
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I was on another assignment and unfortunately missed the event.
My good friend Maurice Gatreaux was kind enough to give me full details and a photo of the aftermath of the stunt, But here,.......I'll let Maurice relate his observations.
"Mr Reporter Man, You dun miss one crazy ting at de faisdodo, I garontee.
You kno dat strange cousin o mine, Jaques Leroux.
He on my mama side of de famly, and ever since dat mule o his kicked him in de hed, he tink he can do bout anyting.
He mak dis bet wit Henri Lebec dat he cud jump off dat fire tower dey put up las year and land in a five gallon buket o water.
Ol' Henri Lebec say, Jaques,You crazy fool, I bet you a hole case o walla wine you not do it.
So Jaques say, Henri Lebec, you jus watch me.
Well, Mayor Pierre Pascal here bout dis and he say to Jaques Leroux,...Jaques Leroux, I tell you what, We needs someting fo de faisdodo on July 4th, an you wait to den an I give you $4.39 outta de city fund fo yo act.
Jaques Leroux say, Mister Mayor man, I tak you up on dat offer.
Well, de big day get here an everbody from Bayou Pompideux show up to see dat crazy fool do he stunt.
Jaques Leroux sits dis five gallon buket o water down by de foot o de tower and den starts to climb all dem steps to de top.
All de girls start to giggle, cause all he had on wus a swim suit, he borrow frum Bubba Boudreux and a pair of brogans.
What he not kno is de swim suit had a hole in de bak an dats why all dem girls be gigglin'.
It wus rat funny, but den he reach de top o dat tall tower, whut be a hunderd feet high.
Den everbody gits real quiet......an some body say..Mais, dat fool gonna do it.....
Jaques, he step up to de edge an let out won o dem Tarzan yells and dove off dat tower.
Dat crazy fool, he do a bak flip, a front flip, an den he hed strait fo dat bucket at niney mile a hour.
Mais, he hit dat buket jus lak he say he wud, 'cept he not figgered on de size on de inside o dat buket, or de size he wuz, and dats when de amblance wus called.
Dey tak him up to Baton Rouge, an I followed dem in my pickup truk to see if he okay.
I tuk dis picure o him, wit dat Kodak camry, I win at de Bingo Parlor.
I ask de doctor if he be ok and de doctor, he say he be fine, after de swellin go down. De doctor, he say he can't do nuttin for de bucket, cause dey have to cut it open to get Jaques out.
I see Jaques dis mornin an ask him how he doin.
He say he be fine, 'cept he say, "Mais, my head sho do hurt frum drinkin dat case o Walla Wine, I win frum Henri Lebec."
Here a picure of Jaques when he landed.
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Mr. Thibedoux has crossed a Rhode Island Red with an Ostrich and feeds them exclusely on his secret formula.
He did say a portion of the feed formula consists primarily of Fermented Okra Plant leaves and
Zataran's Gumbo Mix..
Mr. Thibedoux explained how his discovcery came about:
"I wus over to Henri Lebec's place las month and he had dis big pile of de stinkiest stuff I ever did smell.
He say it wuz de fermented okra plant leaves dat he couldn't find no use for.
He say. Andre, I pay you $2.86 if you lode dem in yo pickup and get dem outta dere.
I say: You gots a deal, Henri Lebec, cause I
figger wit someting what stink lak dat, dere's bound to be some use for dem.
On my way bak to de farm, I drive by Mama Moutons Snack Bar and Exxon Service Station to gits me sum gaz and Mais, rat dere in front of de sto one of dem
big ol Zataran deliver truks done run smak dab into a big ol cyprus tree.
Dere wus dem little boxes of Zatarans Gumbo Mix, whut dey sell to de turist, spilled out all over de road.
Dat truk driver not tu happy bout pickin up all dat mess, so he say:
Andre, I giv you $1.49 if you pik up all dem spilt boxes and haul dem off in yo pickup truck.
I say: You gots a deal, Mr. Truk Driver, cause I figger wit someting what de tourist like, dere's bound to be some use for dem.
So, I piles dem in de bak o de pick up truk wit dat stinky mess an hauls dem off
I dump de hole mess on my bak chikin lot, where I raisin dat new breed, I discover.
De nex mawning, I look bak dere and dem baby chiken act lak dey can't git enough o dat stuff in dere little craws.
Dey done eat up bout haf dat pile, I garontee.
De nex day I notice dem baby ckick dun growed almos a foot. Mais, I say to mysef, Andre, I tink you gonna mak a lotta money on dem chikens if dey keep growin lak dat.
Some fella up Nawth in Kentucky, name Kernal Sandford or someting lak dat tell me he gonna buy all dem chikens i can raise.
Mais, dat sho did tickle my gizzard.
I got Maurice Gatreux to tak dis pictur fo me, wit dat Kodak Camera he won at de Bingo Parlor.
Dat Maurice say to me, Andre, you puts a rope on dat critter, cause I aint get near dat big ting. less you hol on to him...
Here de pictur of dat chicken.
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Ms Fonteneaux's attorneys stated the Shape-it-up® pills, she was given, are still in the experimental stage and have not been approved for release to the general public.
The Shape-it-up® pill is produced by the LeBec
Pharmaceutical Corp.
The pill, made from irradiated okra plant roots, crawfish shells, and monosodium glutamate has been tested on primates and CEO Henri LeBec stated:
"Dem little green pills shaped dem monkeys up jus fine an I don see no problems wit dem."
The law suit also states, Ms Fonteneaux was not informed of possible side effects that could occur with the treatment.
The Shape-it-up® pills did indeed transform Ms Fonteneaux's 384 pound frame into more curves than a Smokey Mountain road, but the side effects will certainly be detrimental to her position of Swamp Tour Guide, with the See~De~Gator Tours, Inc. of Bayou Pompideux.
She stated she can no longer perform her duties
"cause dem gators run off an hide when dey see me coming. De dirty ol' mens laff at me, and de little kids scream and are skeered outta dere pants."
A recent photo of Mimi Fonteneaux does indeed show the side effects she has suffered.
Photo on Page 13.
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