Maurice Gatreaux's Mama-In-Law

I was sitting in Mama Mouton's SnackBar and Exxon Service Station, having some of Mama's jambolaya, when my friend Maurice comes in.

He looked a bit pale and was sober as a Mississippi Judge.
This was certainly different from his usual demeanor, so I asked him what was wrong.
To this he replied: " Mr Reporter Man, I dun had me a awful week, I garontee.
My Mama-in-law dun com down to Bayou Pompideux from Baton Rouge and tel me, Maurice, I gonna spend dis hole week wit you, now aint you glad?
Now I tel you rat now, I scared o dat woman, so I sez, Yes Maam, I glad you com down to sees me, an I preciate you wearing dat tow sak over yo hed.

You see, Mr Reporter man, dat woman is so ugly, she can skin a possum by jus winkin at him and she so ugly dat she walk under a tree an de leaves fall off, I garontee.
Tre year ago, when dat big tornado dun hed tord Baton Rouge, she run out in de yard an I garontee, dat tornado bak off an hed tord Houston.

Las Tursday, I sez, Mama-in-Law, I tink I get in my pirogue an bring mysef down de bayou. I gonna ketch me a big ol fat gator, an den we mak us som of dat gumbo an fry up som o dat gator tail. Aaaaaa Eeeee, we gonna has us a feast, I garontee.
Mama-in-Law den sez, Maurice, you don need to go to all dat trubble fo me.
I go down behin yo shed and gets you a gator, yo jus watch me.
Lak I say befo, I scared o dat ugly woman, so I sez, yes maam, you do dat.

Well she brings hersef down behin de shed, so I grabs dat Kodak Camra, dat I won at de bingo parlor, so I kin gets me a pitcur of dis.
I glad I tuk dat camra, cause I no you tink I make dis up, bout her bein so ugly. She sneke down by dat shed and Mais!. deres as big a gator, dan I see in a long time, layin dere on de bank.

Well, Mr Reporter Man, she plant dem big feet o hers on de groun, yanks dat tow sak off her hed an stares dat gator rat in de eyes.
Dat gator start to tremble an shak an den dat big ol gator jus giv up an flop on his bak an he ded as a possum on de hiway.
Now I tuk dis picure wit dat colur fim, but dat woman so ugly she melt de culur rat out and it come out blak an white. See fo yosef dat I tell yo de trut.
Here dat picure